Part of a keynote speech - also, add the visual of waving a pink scarf.

"Ladies and Gentlemen...  I...  am a fertilized egg!"

It's a fair trade, I think we can all agree.

"Did you have a good talk?  Good.  I had a good potty."

Not mine, but I wish it was - stolen from a friend's FB post

"We know you hate bad squats"

I dare you to count the non-sequiturs...

"So when the box breaks, I think 'Great!  I can get a new pair of shoes, or a pizza, but definitely not that yogurt."

This is just as awkward with or without context.

"I don't have a cup, and I'm not wearing pants.  Sorry Sarah."

Well, unless you're the cow.

"The good news is, I got to draw blood from a cow."

I want to make it clear that no one I know said this.

"In other news, once the black lady at Direct TV stopped belly laughing at me, the porn debacle is finally over."