I want to make it clear that no one I know said this.

"In other news, once the black lady at Direct TV stopped belly laughing at me, the porn debacle is finally over."

It's a fine line between civilization and anarchy

"Don't drink so much that you can't power wash."
"That's the only thing holding me back."

Equality is such a tricky thing.

"I volunteer to be the object."
"You know, most women don't want to be objectified..."