But they report they don't have crabs. So there's that...

 "My little shark crotch is too low."

Well, that is a rare level of excitement, so quite understandable.

 "I'm excited, but not baked-beans-hat excited."

"Ladies night" isn't what you think it is.

 "I didn't know it was a meat raffle.  I was just there for the beer."

A wide-ranging family, for certain

 [At a major corporate store opening]

"Did you know <high-level head-office employee>'s brother is here?"

"Do you mean the pilot?"

"No, the pastor."

Ever feel like a non-player character?

 "How are you doing?"

"Just living someone else's dream, man."

Sometimes family relations require such interventions.

 "I need to go check on my mother-in-law.  I left her all Benadryl-ed up." 

That's the animal, not the language

 "I could talk pig all day"

Just before their first opportunity to judge at a county fair -

 "I'm always judging.  It just doesn't always involve ribbons."

Just leaning into the stereotype

 "I grew up Quaker, but I really like seeing people have fun."

I'd take either, honestly.

 "Surprise ice cream is so much better than requested ice cream."

The financial hierarchy you need to know

 "If you've got castle money, you've got piranha money."