I dare you to count the non-sequiturs...

"So when the box breaks, I think 'Great!  I can get a new pair of shoes, or a pizza, but definitely not that yogurt."

This is just as awkward with or without context.

"I don't have a cup, and I'm not wearing pants.  Sorry Sarah."

Well, unless you're the cow.

"The good news is, I got to draw blood from a cow."

I want to make it clear that no one I know said this.

"In other news, once the black lady at Direct TV stopped belly laughing at me, the porn debacle is finally over."

It's a fine line between civilization and anarchy

"Don't drink so much that you can't power wash."
"That's the only thing holding me back."

Equality is such a tricky thing.

"I volunteer to be the object."
"You know, most women don't want to be objectified..."

They weren't the same plane. We think.

"The smallest plane I've been in is the one I jumped out of."
"The smallest plane I've been in is the one I flew."

Probably the only person in the world.

"I like other people's dogs peeing on my property."

What - you don't name your internal organs?

"And that just seems wrong - to name my uterus after your grandmother."

If it weren't for bad luck...

"You know the saying that things come in threes?  For her things came in nines."

But the easy part...

"It's the hard part that's the hard part."

People are dying not to go.

"We were invited.  I was kinda hoping there'd be a funeral that day, instead."