Any guesses who said this?

"What are the dessert options at the buffet?"
"They're great.  I saw things on a stick and gelato."

Because all the rules are out the window at the Summer Picnic

"I don't know what he was doing holding my duck.  But it was the Summer Picnic."

No, this wasn't from Miley Cyrus.

"This is what I normally wear.  Sometimes I even wear a shirt."

No bits of anatomy were involved in the making of this post - really

"Did you lose something?"
"No, just looking for my nipple."

And you thought the neighborhood you grew up in was bad

"She had the most legit doll house I ever saw."

Clearly the expectation bar was low in this case.

"How can you let me down and go murder someone?"

Nor the Gopher...

"That's the beauty of The Love Boat: you never know when the monkey will show up."

It was a project for my benefit - I probably owe someone some chocolate.

"You know those projects where you procrastinate and then when you finally finish it went so quickly you wonder why you put off doing it so long?  This isn't one of those projects."

Surely a menu item called "The Old Timey" is the first one to change

"Is this bacon on 'The Old Timey'?"
"Yes"
"Is that a new thing?"

Yes, these published sentences were approved by the Chamber of Commerce.

"To decide on a new name, the town held a meeting.  Though the first meeting ended in a brawl, the second meeting was more successful."

Think extreme female anatomical modification

"I've never seen anything like it.  And I watch a lot of porn."

This explains my dad's career path

"He had to go into marketing because he couldn't be an acupuncturist."

Now I understand why postpartum depression is so painful

"It's OK, Mom is stapled to the infant."

One should always spread the fun around.

"Always be non-discriminatory in your bigotry."

The real question is "What wouldn't you do...?"

"What would you do with a monkey bowl and a toucan teapot?"

Guest post from a lawyer friend - during a mediation hearing

"I'm not telling you to lie.  Just stop bringing up the truth so often."

Let's pick three random foods and build them into a sentence!

"Then while cleaning up I discovered a recipe for a tomatillo avocado salsa, and I realized that I had just had that on a waffle."

Some make a career of it

"The good thing about guilt is, it pays well."

Also see August 10, 2010 - Apparently there's a theme here

"If you want me to be spontaneous, I need a couple day's warning"