Most people go for mink, chinchilla, cashmere...

"I'm swathed in llama!"

My wife is the Roger Ebert of Christmas letters.

"Oh, dear. A second paragraph about Dick the Fish."

They're unlikely to become a paid endorser.

"I go to the chiropractor, and go to physical therapy 5 days a week. And in between appointments I go home, lay on the floor, and scream."
"So is that working well for you?"
"It's not clear yet..."

See, someone had ordered a musical-hit on me and Julio down by the schoolyard

"If Paul Simon were dead, he'd be rolling over in his grave."

I wonder if Byron Allen is a gateway drug...

"It's Sarah Purcell's fault that I went skydiving."

Who says morning news has no valuable information?

"It [Panda poo] is probably the most pleasant feces to work with"

My first sign that I was somewhere I used to live.

"We don't need to iron our saris, do we?"

On the back of a jacket - I really wanted the explanation.

"I'm a lovin' turtle"

Why one should always wear a bathing suit to get a tattoo.

"She had to buy a new bathing suit because the old one clashed with her tattoo."

Everyone knows that yogurt is the friendliest part of the dairy foodgroup.

"You don't have to say hello to the cheese."

One half of the species discusses the other half of the species.

"They don't get good stuff until they learn to flush."

Time is measured differently in the boonies.

"Man, Spring is late. It hasn't even been Roadkill Season yet."

This came from someone in Food Service

"Don't major in Music or Early Childhood Education unless you like working in Food Service."

No, this isn't a euphemism.

"Ow. I bruised my pumpkin on the slip-n-slide"

And that makes me feel better, it does.

We aren't laughing at you, we're enjoying you.

I try not to be someone this describes

"You have to limp just to keep up with them."

It was a punchline to a joke.

"Oh, man. Apparently I have Lobsters..."

How do you argue with this?

Your argument is completely logical. Which is why I suspect it's flawed.