Apparently he did something ungodly with hairspray.

"Is he the atheist? Because he has atheist hair."

We weren't even at the fair!

"I do love me some processed food"

Perhaps the squirrels are sponsored by Nike

"Acorns? What are acorns doing in my shoes? We don't even own acorns!"

Oh, happy banana. Do you want some banana?

So do I go forward or backward?

"There are some good front-row seats there in the back."

And it's all my fault

"And I went down the hill, and it was all confusing. And then I needed to rush, and I did rush - and almost hit a peacock, which is very odd."

I meant, like a project or something. This was more fun.

"Hey, dad. Are you in the middle of something?"
"Yeah. Vegas."

For Brenda

"It's like the planter is a clown car for frogs."

They got here when their dad followed the same directions

"Scott and Amanda, please meet your mother at first base."

You would've thought they taught this in medical school.

"You've been looking up his nose for six months - how could you miss the bean?"

See, fair food isn't always wonderful

"Brain freeze and corn juice in my ear. I'm not having a good moment."

Ah, organizers...

"I can be spontaneous if I plan for it"
"Yeah, spontaneity has its time and place"

Otherwise she seemed like a normal teenager

"So for my 17th birthday my dad bought me a chainsaw"

And this is how you end up with bell pepper wine

"I was just fermenting my way through my freezer, and..."

From the more professional paper in town

"He was out of his vehicle, sitting in the parking lot, with glass and watermelon all over him."

Wiser words are rarely spoken

"Watch out, they pee up"

Don't know if this is a promise or a threat

"You go the right way, or I'm gonna come and flutter on you!"

Now *that's* cruelty to vegetarians

"It wasn't just meat, it was baby meat."

Didn't know these might be exclusive states

"He's big, but he knows where he's putting his butt."

The yak apparently didn't miss this one, though

"I am so bummed I missed it -- I never miss slaughterings!"

Really, this is a real sentence said by a real person.

"So sometimes I plant a seed and, oh, look, an emu."

What points he received for honesty, he lost for customer service

Me: "I think the mix is wrong on your soda machine"
Counter Guy: "Yeah, I thought so, too"

We didn't *think* this was as crude as it sounds at the time.

"You filled my love tank"

On the radio, no less

"In that situation, you really need to de-booby your car"

Maybe you should stay at church a little longer, then?

"Y'know, sometimes you just want to leave after service like a bat out of hell."

When the decision seems a toss up, remember these words:

"It's half of one dozen or another."

Facebook is known for odd posts, but:

"Either way, I get great feeling feet."