But they report they don't have crabs. So there's that...

 "My little shark crotch is too low."

Well, that is a rare level of excitement, so quite understandable.

 "I'm excited, but not baked-beans-hat excited."

"Ladies night" isn't what you think it is.

 "I didn't know it was a meat raffle.  I was just there for the beer."

A wide-ranging family, for certain

 [At a major corporate store opening]

"Did you know <high-level head-office employee>'s brother is here?"

"Do you mean the pilot?"

"No, the pastor."

Ever feel like a non-player character?

 "How are you doing?"

"Just living someone else's dream, man."

Sometimes family relations require such interventions.

 "I need to go check on my mother-in-law.  I left her all Benadryl-ed up." 

That's the animal, not the language

 "I could talk pig all day"