From the more professional paper in town

"He was out of his vehicle, sitting in the parking lot, with glass and watermelon all over him."

Wiser words are rarely spoken

"Watch out, they pee up"

Don't know if this is a promise or a threat

"You go the right way, or I'm gonna come and flutter on you!"

Now *that's* cruelty to vegetarians

"It wasn't just meat, it was baby meat."

Didn't know these might be exclusive states

"He's big, but he knows where he's putting his butt."

The yak apparently didn't miss this one, though

"I am so bummed I missed it -- I never miss slaughterings!"

Really, this is a real sentence said by a real person.

"So sometimes I plant a seed and, oh, look, an emu."