I try not to be someone this describes

"You have to limp just to keep up with them."

It was a punchline to a joke.

"Oh, man. Apparently I have Lobsters..."

How do you argue with this?

Your argument is completely logical. Which is why I suspect it's flawed.

Apparently he did something ungodly with hairspray.

"Is he the atheist? Because he has atheist hair."

We weren't even at the fair!

"I do love me some processed food"

Perhaps the squirrels are sponsored by Nike

"Acorns? What are acorns doing in my shoes? We don't even own acorns!"

Oh, happy banana. Do you want some banana?