A different level of stupid.

 "They aren't smart enough to care for a barn cat."

But they report they don't have crabs. So there's that...

 "My little shark crotch is too low."

Well, that is a rare level of excitement, so quite understandable.

 "I'm excited, but not baked-beans-hat excited."

"Ladies night" isn't what you think it is.

 "I didn't know it was a meat raffle.  I was just there for the beer."

A wide-ranging family, for certain

 [At a major corporate store opening]

"Did you know <high-level head-office employee>'s brother is here?"

"Do you mean the pilot?"

"No, the pastor."

Ever feel like a non-player character?

 "How are you doing?"

"Just living someone else's dream, man."

Sometimes family relations require such interventions.

 "I need to go check on my mother-in-law.  I left her all Benadryl-ed up." 

That's the animal, not the language

 "I could talk pig all day"

Just before their first opportunity to judge at a county fair -

 "I'm always judging.  It just doesn't always involve ribbons."

Just leaning into the stereotype

 "I grew up Quaker, but I really like seeing people have fun."

I'd take either, honestly.

 "Surprise ice cream is so much better than requested ice cream."

The financial hierarchy you need to know

 "If you've got castle money, you've got piranha money."

Apparently, it was also part of a honeymoon

 "I was just trying to go to the bathroom, and then I tripped over the chainsaw."

I'd hate for a good story to get in the way of a tantrum.

 “I’ll tell you about that later, but let me finish the temper tantrum first”

Said by a 10-year old at the fair. This does not bode well for their future...

"My favorite thing is to go around a pole."

And what exactly is the bat-per-year ratio?

 "There's a lot of years of bats in that house."

My spouse just brought her lunch into the room

"What are you having?"

"Regrets."

Could be dinner, could be apparel, could be...

"I have so many llama choices - I think I'll go with the cow"

True NBC online headline

"Watch Live:  Rep Elijah Cummings lies in state at the US Capitol"

Ewe might get yellow wool.

"You don't want to pee on the sheep."