Wait a second, I want to write that down...

Said by a group of experienced mothers, though not about their kids.

2012-01-17T08:12:00.000-08:00

"If there's no school, there's no Joy"

Glad it's breathing - mouth-to-brim resuscitation is really tough

2012-01-07T21:50:00.000-08:00

"My imaginary sombrero breaths a sigh of relief"

Most people go for mink, chinchilla, cashmere...

2011-12-31T10:01:00.000-08:00

"I'm swathed in llama!"

My wife is the Roger Ebert of Christmas letters.

2011-12-16T19:48:00.001-08:00

"Oh, dear. A second paragraph about Dick the Fish."

They're unlikely to become a paid endorser.

2011-11-06T15:50:00.000-08:00

"I go to the chiropractor, and go to physical therapy 5 days a week. And in between appointments I go home, lay on the floor, and scream."
"So is that working well for you?"
"It's not clear yet..."

See, someone had ordered a musical-hit on me and Julio down by the schoolyard

2011-10-22T22:35:00.001-07:00

"If Paul Simon were dead, he'd be rolling over in his grave."

I wonder if Byron Allen is a gateway drug...

2011-09-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

"It's Sarah Purcell's fault that I went skydiving."

Who says morning news has no valuable information?

2011-08-30T08:47:00.000-07:00

"It [Panda poo] is probably the most pleasant feces to work with"

My first sign that I was somewhere I used to live.

2011-08-27T18:34:00.001-07:00

"We don't need to iron our saris, do we?"

On the back of a jacket - I really wanted the explanation.

2011-06-30T09:45:00.001-07:00

"I'm a lovin' turtle"

Why one should always wear a bathing suit to get a tattoo.

2011-06-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

"She had to buy a new bathing suit because the old one clashed with her tattoo."

Everyone knows that yogurt is the friendliest part of the dairy foodgroup.

2011-06-25T13:35:00.000-07:00

"You don't have to say hello to the cheese."

One half of the species discusses the other half of the species.

2011-06-05T15:52:00.000-07:00

"They don't get good stuff until they learn to flush."

Time is measured differently in the boonies.

2011-05-11T22:46:00.000-07:00

"Man, Spring is late. It hasn't even been Roadkill Season yet."

This came from someone in Food Service

2011-05-08T16:45:00.000-07:00

"Don't major in Music or Early Childhood Education unless you like working in Food Service."

No, this isn't a euphemism.

2011-04-12T10:07:00.001-07:00

"Ow. I bruised my pumpkin on the slip-n-slide"

And that makes me feel better, it does.

2011-03-13T17:51:00.001-07:00

We aren't laughing at you, we're enjoying you.

I try not to be someone this describes

2011-03-11T10:21:00.000-08:00

"You have to limp just to keep up with them."

It was a punchline to a joke.

2011-02-09T11:55:00.001-08:00

"Oh, man. Apparently I have Lobsters..."

How do you argue with this?

2011-01-12T23:14:00.000-08:00

Your argument is completely logical. Which is why I suspect it's flawed.

Apparently he did something ungodly with hairspray.

2010-12-14T23:14:00.000-08:00

"Is he the atheist? Because he has atheist hair."

We weren't even at the fair!

2010-12-11T21:32:00.000-08:00

"I do love me some processed food"

Perhaps the squirrels are sponsored by Nike

2010-11-21T23:42:00.000-08:00

"Acorns? What are acorns doing in my shoes? We don't even own acorns!"

2010-11-13T23:55:00.000-08:00

Oh, happy banana. Do you want some banana?

So do I go forward or backward?

2010-10-23T19:47:00.000-07:00

"There are some good front-row seats there in the back."

And it's all my fault

2010-10-11T18:07:00.000-07:00

"And I went down the hill, and it was all confusing. And then I needed to rush, and I did rush - and almost hit a peacock, which is very odd."

I meant, like a project or something. This was more fun.

2010-09-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

"Hey, dad. Are you in the middle of something?"
"Yeah. Vegas."

For Brenda

2010-09-21T13:54:00.000-07:00

"It's like the planter is a clown car for frogs."

They got here when their dad followed the same directions

2010-09-07T21:40:00.001-07:00

"Scott and Amanda, please meet your mother at first base."

You would've thought they taught this in medical school.

2010-08-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

"You've been looking up his nose for six months - how could you miss the bean?"

See, fair food isn't always wonderful

2010-08-13T23:12:00.000-07:00

"Brain freeze and corn juice in my ear. I'm not having a good moment."

Ah, organizers...

2010-08-10T10:23:00.002-07:00

"I can be spontaneous if I plan for it"
"Yeah, spontaneity has its time and place"

Otherwise she seemed like a normal teenager

2010-08-10T10:23:00.001-07:00

"So for my 17th birthday my dad bought me a chainsaw"

And this is how you end up with bell pepper wine

2010-08-03T22:07:00.001-07:00

"I was just fermenting my way through my freezer, and..."

From the more professional paper in town

2010-06-23T08:21:00.001-07:00

"He was out of his vehicle, sitting in the parking lot, with glass and watermelon all over him."

Wiser words are rarely spoken

2010-06-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

"Watch out, they pee up"

Don't know if this is a promise or a threat

2010-06-22T21:57:00.001-07:00

"You go the right way, or I'm gonna come and flutter on you!"

Now that's cruelty to vegetarians

2010-05-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

"It wasn't just meat, it was baby meat."

Didn't know these might be exclusive states

2010-05-13T09:09:00.000-07:00

"He's big, but he knows where he's putting his butt."

The yak apparently didn't miss this one, though

2010-05-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

"I am so bummed I missed it -- I never miss slaughterings!"

Really, this is a real sentence said by a real person.

2010-04-25T16:15:00.000-07:00

"So sometimes I plant a seed and, oh, look, an emu."

What points he received for honesty, he lost for customer service

2010-04-11T23:17:00.000-07:00

Me: "I think the mix is wrong on your soda machine"
Counter Guy: "Yeah, I thought so, too"

We didn't think this was as crude as it sounds at the time.

2010-03-27T22:52:00.001-07:00

"You filled my love tank"

On the radio, no less

2010-03-17T16:03:00.001-07:00

"In that situation, you really need to de-booby your car"

Maybe you should stay at church a little longer, then?

2010-03-11T15:45:00.002-08:00

"Y'know, sometimes you just want to leave after service like a bat out of hell."

When the decision seems a toss up, remember these words:

2010-01-29T13:49:00.000-08:00

"It's half of one dozen or another."

Facebook is known for odd posts, but:

2010-01-12T21:34:00.000-08:00

"Either way, I get great feeling feet."

Not quite "Hey, kid, want some candy?"

2009-12-29T22:30:00.000-08:00

"How close have you ever been to a manatee?"

You're a local when you give directions to what used to be there. This is a step beyond

2009-12-18T08:24:00.000-08:00

"So then you make a right where the Wal-Mart isn't"

If you hear a bleating sheep, it failed.

2009-12-04T18:15:00.001-08:00

"Please remember, the mooing cow means that the system is being tested."

I've lived here too long - this barely registered as strange

2009-11-14T09:45:00.001-08:00

"So you own the buffalo?"
"No, that's my neighbor, I own the zebra."

This one's a little "inside baseball"

2009-11-09T11:30:00.000-08:00

"so whatever you do, don't sit between the hutch and the TV, especially when the Braves are playing."

My own addition to this little blog

2009-11-04T08:00:00.000-08:00

"Excuse me, but your emu appears to be heading down the road that way."

Well, it is Halloween

2009-10-24T23:04:00.001-07:00

I didn't want to spend my emergency $50 on a... bat.

From a news report

2009-09-28T22:34:00.000-07:00

"The goal of the Alzheimer's gathering was to raise awareness..."

No idea what they think of birds or fish

2009-09-11T18:51:00.003-07:00

"Cats are just like dogs, but in a different way".

At the 4-H auction

2009-08-15T22:16:00.001-07:00

"Do you want to take a picture with your turkey? Is the turkey still here?"

Seems someone was buying milkshakes for seemlingly everyone

2009-08-15T22:14:00.000-07:00

"Anyone else want to milk my daddy?"

Mainly because it came from Toni at the fair

2009-08-15T22:12:00.000-07:00

"I'm full."

See, they wear blankets at the fair to keep themselves clean.

2009-08-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

"It looks like the sheep are owned by the Klan."

Apparently looking forward to the apocalypse.

2009-08-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

"I never want you to have to ration your pickles."

Gotta love small town parades.

2009-07-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

"Did you guys get to touch a chicken?"

Explaining differences between cultures

2009-07-16T22:48:00.001-07:00

"They throw rocks. I never threw rocks."

On the ferry to Canada (sadly, the speakers were American)

2009-06-24T16:06:00.000-07:00

"And then, on the TV, they actually showed the recipe to make Crystal Methane!"

What does that look like?

2009-06-20T08:28:00.000-07:00

"I want to kiss you so bad. I want to kiss you like a penguin."

Sports commentator

2009-06-09T18:33:00.001-07:00

"If you're going to be stupid, be smart about it."

When you hear this getting off the plane, you know your business trip isn't going to go well.

2009-06-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

"Welcome to town. I'm liquored up. You drive."

The joys of living in the middle of nowhere

2009-06-01T22:31:00.001-07:00

"Hey, there's a frog on the propane."

Not their current employment

2009-05-22T23:46:00.001-07:00

"Any job you can work a cash register while drinking tequila is worth keeping."

From a local traffic reporter on morning TV

2009-05-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

"When you attend an event with a llama, the tuxedo is kinda superfluous."

While helping someone stretch

2009-05-13T09:06:00.001-07:00

"Is that pain, or a thought?"
"It's a thought"
"Oh. About what?"
"Pain"

Overheard by a friend in nursing school

2009-05-05T17:18:00.000-07:00

"Think globally; Always take time to look at the vomit."

Encouraging people to get involved in an upcoming event:

2009-04-19T16:24:00.000-07:00

"You never know how just cutting cheese makes a tea a success."

No context is really needed

2009-04-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

"You shouldn't be believing in the Easter Bunny when you're menstruating."

At the state bowling tournament

2009-04-04T21:51:00.000-07:00

"Here, smell my ball."

(ps - it smelled like peppermint)

Came up with this one on my own.

2009-03-27T16:15:00.000-07:00

"It was as much a surprise to have to dodge the bike as it was to see the guy carrying the duck."

Don't have to write this down - it was in today's paper

2009-03-19T17:58:00.001-07:00

"There are about 100 ways to rig herring, depending on if the guts are left in or taken out."

One from my father's travels

2009-03-02T10:07:00.001-08:00

"You want to hear a brain-teaser?"
"A brain-teaser? What's that?"

You have to realize that this was spoken, not written down.

2009-02-23T14:53:00.000-08:00

" I think I'm becoming more like Pooh"

Driving in the car this morning

2009-02-20T16:13:00.000-08:00

"Do you know where the Aleve is?"
"It's called Naproxen."
"OK (wondering how that helps my sore muscles), do you know where the Naproxen is?"
"Yes, it's in the bottle I labeled 'Aleve.' "